Flashbacks--- DELETED

Can we delete the flashbacks forever?Can we erase the happy memories that turned grey?Can we actually stop the gratuitous thoughts knocking head ,pounding heart and assassinating soul?Why do some people come in life;why do they make you feel secured;why do they break trust;why, why,why...

A relationship of trust,care,understanding takes years to build on (though love has its own way),ages to live by,and few seconds to break..!And then BREAK KAY BAD, you still have your memories to enshrine with a mix of tears-smile-laughter-asphyxiate...You miss the people who no longer belongs to you,like you miss colors of  life!I too miss many colors though I live with my walls painted!

I feel so lonely at times when flashbacks haunts me for a while but I know-
Inside myself is a place where I live all alone,and that's where I renew my springs that never dry up...

Deleting the flashbacks, I am painting the walls of my life,more rosy,more enlivening,more light-hearted.
Cheers to the memories I have and the courage I live with...

Into silence

Why does it happen at times that I want to get away from all... storm of perplexed thoughts kills me often which is more severe than to actually killed by the destiny! At this moment,I feel like moving into a lonely path with no one to say or sympathize me for the worldly reasons... Can I be all me?Am I really what I am with the self?If this is not me then where have I gone?Does any body actually know the real me?Is this what I am here for?What about the past mistakes I assigned to myself?And the present!Why doesn't this world leave-me-alone?Why are there interruptions when I want to be just alone?

Closing my eyes often,why do I see my life?Can't it be just silence and peace?

Why I am thinking a lot though I know the next moment,a burst of laughter is knocking at my door?

Why did I go crazy at times and the other moment I seek for a deep silence?

Into silence,why I am penning down these words?Can't it be just silence and only silence!

Turned stranger

Turned stranger

with own,

I reminisce 

of the days 

gone;

messed up 

me,

messed up

 my dreams,

I don't cry,

I don't scream.

I keep moving,

with no-more

tears to shed,

as if nothing

can be heard,

nothing 

can be said.

You are my life..

Reading "I too had a love story", I thought and realized  to the extent  it resembles "my love story".I smiled and called "him" after all the so-happy moments :)Shona kept asking me the complete story and every time I said I'll tell you tonight. He kept waiting lovingly for the night to come.And the dark night arrived.I wasn't knowing that night could be so fervent..!
I was reading,I was crying..I was crying,I was reading...


My smiled turned into tears... and tears into fears that I possess... ! The black dream flashed back and took me to the world away from him...I called him;hearing my life-love,I was back into my love-life :)


Loving you is what all my life is all about...

All-knowing thoughts!

At nook 
of head
wanders thoughts
a million,
some dead,
some deep;
they breeze,
for a moment,
and blow
the next
leaving 
blurred insight
and echoed text.

Random peace...

Often I think,what both of these actually feel most of the time,all the time!Like changes my moods with the change in faces,do their thoughts too vary?I go near them and wave them a little high in my sweet-tone-high-pitched voice,and they come near the surface..they know me,they actually can hear me,they are close to me...

Jinny and Jenny are with us since last two and half years and they have become a part of our life that my mom can't live without them :)

Whenever I get out of my keep smiling,keep singing mood,I try learning from these floating minds who with no  altering thoughts keep floating.It's so much of peace with them every time.

Two hearts amidst the water with no fear of drowning.life is so much learning.You make peace with the gone days and floats the same ever...

...

Nothing matters in life more than the person you love,loves you more than his life..

My new "10 minutes" creation

In the shades of life,this adds another petal of memory..

सपनो के संसार में, आशाओं की जगमगाहट है,
कुछ अरमान हैं दिल में, उनको पूरा करने की चाहत हैं,
खुद पर विश्वास हैं,अपनों का साथ हैं,
हर कठिनाई को पार हम कर जायेगे,
मिल कर हम आसमा छू जायेगे,
मिल कर हम आसमा छू जायेगे ....

August love

It all started with

a abridged innuendo;

bustling winds,

winged leaves,

it was dark night,

and there they

stood,

out of sight,

a little talk,

a silent walk,

and some

feelings unfold,

some words never told...

august love,

passed by,

august love,

said goodbye.

kabhi kabhi ...

कभी कभी पंख लगा कर उड़ जाने को जी चाहता है
 कभी कभी एक कोने में सिमटने को जी चाहता है
कभी कभी इन पंछियों की तरह चहचहाने को जी चाहता है
 कभी कभी एक तस्वीर की तरह शांत रहने को जी चाहता है
कभी कभी सूरज की किरणों की तरह इस जहा से मिल आने को जी चाहता है
 कभी कभी इन तारों की तरह आशाओ से  झिलमिलाने को जी चाहता है 
कभी कभी हवा की तरह तेज  दौड़ने  को जी चाहता है
 कभी कभी नदी की तरह चुपचाप बहने को जी चाहता है 
कभी कभी बारिश की बड़ी बड़ी बूंदों सा बरसने को जी चाहता है 
 कभी कभी एक बूढ़े पेड की तरह बस खड़े रहने को जी चाहता है 
कभी कभी अंजानो से भी मुस्कुराने को जी चाहता है 
कभी कभी काले बादलो में छिप जाने को जी चाहता है 
कभी कभी पुरानी यादो में खो जाने को जी चाहता है 
 कभी  कभी उन यादो को मिटाने का जी चाहता है 
अक्सर अपने आप से बात करने की कोशिश करती हूँ 
तन्हाइयो को हे अपना सबसे अच्छा दोस्त बनाने की कोशिश करती  हूँ 
कभी कभी इन तन्हाइयों के साथ सैर पर निकल जाती हूँ 
और बीतीं बातो को फिर से दोहरा लेती  हूँ 
जिन्दगी के सफ़र में हँस खेलकर जीना चाहती हूँ 
हर एक पल को सवार कर अपना बना लेना चाहती हूँ 

Just another night!

I wake up at midnights;

and searches for 

some answers

known,

though I know most of them,

but still I live with

doubts own,

I try sleeping,
with effulgence of moon-sky,
settling,
shimmering,
smiling,
with a wavering why..
I look at him,
and with the passing
twilight,
and he looks at me,
with the morning bright,
my half-closed eyes,
leisurely concluding
some words wise..
I live known,
in a deep-seated  world
unknown,
still
having
my doubts,
own..

Some jumps,some falls

It is raining these days and interminable members of our little big vermin family are back from their pilgrimage!You can meet them between 7 p.m to 11p.m or even after that if you are awake,they'll go to their bed only after making you comfortable at your bed.And sometime they even take care of you when you have slept half of the total sleeping hours.They love you like anything and,never leaves you like you are everything :-)

These days I am meeting  lots of cricket,all jumping around,climbing the wall,sitting at the corners:thinking(may be into their dreams),some over the curtains,some inside my wardrobe if I left it open for a little more time and of-course few of them resting on my commodious bed :) I am usually a loving-caring-friendly person,never hurt anyone-marna-peetna to dur ki baat hai.So I let them move,jump and fall wherever they wish to.. And if I find them a little more interrupting,I switch off the lights and they feel I have slept,so they slowly move far away from my room to somewhere else,or may be they sleep like we all do after a hectic schedule..!

I live in doldrums when I see somebody not alive.Though my heart and soul are aware of the framed cycle of born and gone,but still a single thought of leaving this world, someday ,unknowingly kills me..

Life is  knowingly so unknown ! I found a cricket lying at a corner-it was dead.After few seconds I saw some ants,gathering near the dead-body;a few seconds later I saw arachnids too gathering and then all together holding the expired member of their family and taking it to some place may be to their burial ground or their charnel house or their memorial park..!On their way,I could see some few members joining them in between and all consoling each other... I was deeply attending the shouk-sabha and I don't know why but I kept on looking at these tiny creatures with sympathetic heart.They made me to lost in some deep realities of life... And within few minutes,everything was like before,like they consoled each other saying life goes on or may be they found their lets-do-party-tonight bite!

What was missing?Some more jumps,some more falls.
Who is remembered?Somebody who made me to think all that I wrote above.
May "your" soul rest in peace...

Magic called love..

I never thought about writing poems in hindi..Though I tried many times but failed in all!I remember how I used to give all the shayars beyond- making-sense look..!But I was knowing onething deep in my heart-  प्यार  इन्सान को  शायर बनाता हैं ..
And when I have felt this magical feeling,here goes my first कविता 
 Dedicate to the one living in my thoughts all the time... :)



फूलो के आगन मे हो,खुशबू की बहार
एक छोटा सा घर हो,एक अपना संसार
सुबह की ताज़गी सा हो अपना प्यार,
हर पल एक सपना हो , हर पल का इंतज़ार,
जिंदगी की धूप-छाव मे
हम रहे हर पल  साथ,
मुस्कुराते हुए जी ले हर लम्हा , जन्म सात 

And,it rained..

 I have been waiting for the rains so long.. And today it finally rained :)
It feels so relaxed when you see your loved ones happy and delighted.. I was living for this joy,that I can now see in their eyes,their twinkling eyes-...


Several times,
I looked at the clouds,
dark and grey,
that 
sometimes
it hear my pain,
sometimes 
it see me pray,
but
it didn't rain,
it didn't rain..


And one day,
Clouds come floating into my life,no longer to carry rain or usher storm,but to add color to my sunset sky..


And, it rained...

Friends- Four-Life

For the past many nights,
it's some of my friends,
talking to me
in dim light,
sometime
we talk,
sometime
we walk,
and roam around,
where we
someday met
and found
those colors
of friendship..
colors so wide,
that we never thought,
that someday
we'll be alone
with
tears to hide.
I could still
feel every bit of all
 we shared,
though today,
we walk
a bit scared..
Something went
wrong
somewhere,
and
we departed
elsewhere,
still,
I know,
that we four,
ever meet again,
we'll share
all our hope
and
all our pain..

Angel maa...

Each day,
I ask my God
and pray
that
I may
fulfill
all your wishes..
I may
never let him
feel lone
Angel maa,
why you are
gone...
Our life is
incomplete
without you..
may it light
all around,
but
we live
on a barren ground.
Angel maa
we miss you
and
we hear your sound,
we need you always,
we need you around...

All I say to myself...

 All I say to

 myself,

 is to keep

 a little hope..

some days

were not yours,

but some day,

they'll be yours..

All I say to

myself,

is to keep

a little faith..

may be clouds

turn loud

and again

it rain..

A little faith,

a little hope,

and  

a little

more of rain,

'll ebb

 all

wounded

 pain...

All I ask for:

a little more of hope,

a little more of faith,

and a few drops of unending rain....

Two stars,too close...

Sitting at the porch tonight,

under the sky dark,

with

stars twinkling bright,

I saw,

two stars, too close..

Two stars,too close,

and somewhere

their story goes;

amidst,

the dark night,

with cool breeze

blowy around,

two stars,too close,

reminiscing

how they met,

what they found...

Saying the she star,

"never leave me alone

and

never you go far..";

some drops of tears,

fell down,

and all screamed,

rains in the town,rains in the town.

Two stars,too close..

blossomed

love,

blossomed rose.

Sitting at the porch tonight,

I lived a moment,

that's all mine...

I dedicate the moment to you.. two stars,two close;and the story goes...

:):)

Dekho inhen yeh hai oos ki boondein,
patto ki gond main hain,aasmaa se kude,
angdai le fir,karwat badal kar,
nazuk se moti,has de fisal kar,
kho na jaaye yeh,
Taare zamee per....



I love kids..! During the last month,I got a chance to be among them,as in the month of may we have all our relatives gathering. Somebody in class 3,somebody in 4,somebody in playgroup,somebody learning to walk,and when he does we all stand and clap and he feels like a champ,and somebody who is only 84 days old but smiles when see us around and cries when we are not around..! I also met kids who were my colleagues in the recently joined music class.I watch kids so naive, playing All is well,Bum bum bole on guitar,piano and ask me most of the time- Didi aap kaunse class main hoon?When I say them that I am no more in school but very elder to them,they used to look at me and gaze with eyes wide open like they have come across an alien :-) I love them for their smiles,for their innocence,for their playfulness, for their brilliant effort to play the instruments!When I was of their age, I played chug chug daana,langdi,tipi tipi top and yes I remember those kites flying high in the sky and me being a passionate player in the competition of katna-katna with shanu.I still remember how crazy he was for them...
Kite flies and so does the time,with the difference that if we loose a kite which was flying high,we feel lost for a moment but then new day & a new kite and life cheers all again but time...if happy time flies away  it takes some longer ways to find its way back...! But yes it comes back for sure :) 



May be I am lost somewhere,
May be I  don't care,
May be I am shattered inside,
May be I don't find anyone beside,
May be I am not what
you always wish me to be,
May be I am tired enough
to walk furthur and see,
May be I am not all me...
But
somewhere,
I am still me...
I am still me...
I am stil me...

In search of solitude

Days back in my life till-the-date, for several times I have shared all my happiness,sorrows,complains,memories under the sky when it gets dark;I could pour all my heart and talk every bit of thoughts storming me... Terrace is the perfect place and stars are your never-go-away friends.They keep twinkling and giving hope enough,to wait till you find the next morning sun.And then,they'll again wave you a little "hii" when it gets dark.. Stars have so much to give you every-time.

Whenever I feel crestfallen,downhearted,off, I turn to these little wonders;cries as much as my eyes and heart coordinate each other with.With each tear tumbling down my cheek, making their way to get off-course,the winking light of these stars brighten my eyes and gives me courage to move a step further and then keep moving.

And whenever I feel chirpy,I turn to these so many friends and say lets party tonight!

In search of solitude, I have been friends with millions.. :)

Miles to go before I sleep...

The days been dark,

and nights doom,

but still 

I go to park,

in search of bloom...

I go in search

everyday,

It doesn't matter,

that I find a way;

Sitting at seashore

alone,

one night-

I heard sea saying:

"There is always a battle to fight".

The sea said so,

became quiet and calm....

one morning-

while walking,

alone

among the greens,

I heard birds

bluing,

and saying

"there is a long way to go,

it doesn't matter

that you have become tired,

or your life been fired."

I heard the sea saying,

and birds bluing;

given a thought to what they said,

I found that-

Life is beautiful...

it all depends on the way you look at things,like there lies a beauty when you smile,there lies a beauty living a journey of miles.

They'll smile again...

These days are hard,hard enough to be just not happy;hapless.. I can hear the pain that my sphygmos make every second and my heart says believe me honey I am not your culprit!

At some stages of life,you become so lone that you walk unknowingly to a world where even shadows don't last.

There may be reasons to live, laugh,bubble,party but you just don't want to!Is this the ending or some beginning to end some way,most customary like the penultimate one?

Every now and then,you find someone sympathizing, sharing words of care and love,few encouraging too,and loving you the way, they have been doing during all your downs.For a while you feel,you are back to your gifted world...but then everything happy is not long lived! The other moment you uncover the true nature,made up of a little more crticizing and a little less admiring.And when you are left with no reason to be a reason for your loved ones to be happy and proud,you can experience your wish-dreams turning into nightmares!

It feels dead when you  look those glittering eyes full of hopeful happiness turning down.They won't let tears come out of them,they'll wipe them in the dead-pan.They will never let you loose your way,and will be holding your hands forever,smiling always...

Why we are the way we are?

While reading the daily newspaper,I quickly  turned to page no 10,the second favorite!I live with a habit that if I don't get things from beginning I move to the end!For several times,I applied this tactic in my exams where after looking around for few seconds, I  inaugurated  the question paper with the last question;and believe me I scored well most of the time..!So,while looking at the headlines of The Times Of Ideas,I came across some intense ones like: Fuelling The Growth Story-Budget 2010 seeks to consolidate gains and push ahead strongly.. wow;Going For Feelgood-Budget is a well round effort at economic management..sounds superb;Women's reservation Bill gets the cabinet's nod... hmmm  better!I folded the newspaper vapidly to look for sacred space and the speaking tree.The speaking tree has always been  a tranquil flame.Today,it glows asking:Why we are the way we are?

I read each line of the article deeply.It says -

Whichever way you have 'become',you have only created and cultivated a small part of it consciously.A large part of you is unconscious because most of what you perceive is not your awareness.Whatever information our senses gathers is stored in the mind to be remembered forever.It's only because the information is coming in such torrents,it is so complex and goes into you without consciousness that it has made you the way you are without letting you know what you actually want to be like.What you need to do is to collect the information,understand it,refine it and embellish it in your own way.

A lotus grows best wherever there is dirt.Either you can resist the dirt;you can become the dirt,or transform it into a wonderful blossom.

If unpleasant things have happened to you,it is all the more important  that you turn wiser and more beautiful as quick as possible,because you know the pain of unpleasantness.

Back to old days..Thanks Prasoon!

Its been a lovely day today! I met my oldest buddy... for a moment it felt like I am back to my school days;dawns  I used to wake up,study a bit -so- hard (as all says its good time to study,your mind is in some way less cultivated.!),then get ready for my daily ride to school which was near some theater(c/d Geeta),the open ground made up of a form of soil called dust that when you devote the nation with attention, your polished shoes turns dilapidated,the queues involving the talks of homework done or not,class test if any ,or the appetizing gossips ,the classroom  that had no particular location, weather reports being a deciding factor: if its raining it can be inside a room with tin plates at the top that we could feel the blaze of rains and  if its a cold day and sunlight is an urgency,it had to be unquestionably at the terrace..I love it in all the ways!No matter whether we sit on wooden benches or a sack made of matting,it was our class,it was my class,my childhood class,where I first  learned :

School is my temple,Teacher is my God,

Or Twinkle twinkle little stars,that whenever I feel low and listless,I look at them and my eyes starts twinkling again..

Or that Johny Johny yes Papa,... Ha Ha Ha..I can always be smiling with ha ha ha

Life is made of so many moments,each being so distinctively decorated that you think a while whether these moments are made of you,or you are made of them...

Am I lost?

Am I lost or this is just a phase causing the storm!Everything is so merry around but still I am striving hard for contentment!Things look simple,and yes they are but still I live in despair! Why?Asking my heart/head( as both are muddled right now so can't go prefer any) I got an answer: you are a fool; stop expecting the intelligence out of you!Am I really?Not actually!Fools too have numerous categories(think think....) and no fool admits that he belongs to any of these.So here is a proof that I live with an intelligent  head, a little hollowed by longing success-faced failures and of course a heart that knows to share,care and smile...Then why I am lost?May be because,I am dare enough to choose my own ways,follow most of them and finally end up making a complete circle! Then embellishing it with my angelic cries,salty tears,remembering and gathering all those pushy days when I never gave up! Isn't trying something in this up-to-the-minute world?

I am not what I am and I doubt that those twigs of hope that sometimes rooted me deep inside will ever blossom or this simplexed world of mine will come to an end thinking something , thinking everything.

On the way

Once upon a time,

I was born-

blithe,buoyant,

cheerful,cherry,

I was flowered merry.

I still remember,

my layette,

my dummy.....

that angelic voice of mine,

learning one to nine.

I still remember,

those days of my school,

when I had to stand on a chair or stool

(as there wasn't any podium and

I was small,

though still i m not much tall),

reciting

and articulating,

the learned words for my nation,

filled with sole passion.

I remember,

I still remember,

how it felt,

leaving,

all my friends,

with whom,

once I shaked hands;

I remember

my second school,

where,

everyone was good,

but only me fool,

how hard it was,

only I know;

Life is like that,

sometimes,

looking back,

makes you cry,

so much,

but then you  live life,

as such.

I remember,

I still remember,

those days,

when I was,

all alone,

no friends,no phone,

bot just lone;

battling,

shattering;

finding my ways,

to reach atleast,

somewhere,

somehow,

I remember,

I still remember..

I remember,

I still remember,

my salad days;

when I learned to live

my world,

my own ways;

blue sky,

twinkling stars,

moonlight,

I lived,

my world,

so bright;

I call "him"

my life.

I remember,

I still remember...

I remember,

I still remember,

my new friends,

turned old now;

those bands,

of friendship

that we used to share,

to express,

a little of,

how much we care.

I remember,

I still remember,

the days,

not far gone;

but left me wounded

and lone,

those moments,

of togetherness,

are deep inside,

I wish,

you could always,

be right beside;

I remember,

I still remember

the Parle-G,

we once,

shared with tea.

Life is a short

journey,

lived long,

In the shades of life,

let's sing a song;

only memories,

last forever,

live life,

like you did never.

Love all...

I remember,

I still remember..